I’ve been a night owl on and off these past few weeks. I got up in the middle of the night, lid up the kitchen, and started chopping up ingredients to my impromptu pasta. Just between me and my pasta, I called it Gochujang Spaghetti Pomadoro.
The sound of the spaghetti pot steaming in the dimly lid kitchen was soothing in the quiet night. I chopped the vegetables in a steady rhythm as my mind started to wander to the simmering thoughts in my head. I am still unsure on what to do next in life.
Although it may be hard to tell, I’ve been in a low place and can barely hold myself up. It is not an easy matter to not be able to see the light.
The current generation is spoiled with the freedom of choice. Humans essentially don’t need much to survive. It seems like I’m not living merely to be alive. Same with the rest of the people who were raised with a similar mindset. We aren’t satisfied just by filling our tummies and having comfortable homes. I am grateful for it, but I know I’m not satisfied with life just by having food and shelter. Our generation is ambitious and never satisfied. Unlike our parents’ generation, we only know the importance of a secured life, but do not truly believe in it from the heart. We get dulled by the monotony of life very quickly. Society tells us we need to hear our calling, follow our passions, escape the rat race, or climb the ladder, and aim for success – whatever that all means. Some of us live on ignoring it all, some of us face it head on and deal with it with passion, and some of us live in despair because we are aware of our meaningless existence. It is all very exhausting.
I’m exhausted by my own ambitions. Burning out all my fuel reserves. I’m a machine that eats up too much gasoline, and wears itself out by its inefficient parts. Always out of power from burning off fuel instantly. At this point, I’ll never have enough energy to run this crappy machine. What this machine needs is a make over. It’ll take time, but it is probably what I have to do right now to survive.
I thought I’d go back to my previous life of saving up for my funeral.
‘Returning so soon?’
No, never. I’m not going back.
‘You can keep denying that this isn’t the life for you.’
I’ll keep aiming for the stars. Even if I’ll get burned to death the closer I get to it.
‘Why do it the hard way, when you had your life set in place?’
So much that it seems like the easy way out, it isn’t. Right now, rather than being about which path I’ll take, it is about how to walk. I’ll trip and fall anywhere I go at this point. That is how I feel right now. I might as well take this opportunity to try something new.
I listened to Chopin nocturnes while enjoying the impromptu pasta. Soon after finishing my dish, I heard birds singing.